Major league teams and teams like the Mets periodically have team meetings to try and get themselves straightened out.  Usually all we fans hear is that it was positive and upbeat and cleared the air.  Then some teams go on to play better while most do not.


Our spy microphone inserted in the ceiling fan of the Citifield’s Mets’ locker room was working well on Sunday at about 9am when Manager Collins assembled his entire squad for still another team meeting.  The mike didn’t pick up the players’ responses but here’s what Terry had to say.


Terry Collins:  ‘Morning guys, happy father’s day to anyone who is a dad.  Let’s get down to business.


I know it’s early and this is our third team meeting in the last week but damn it we’re going to keep having meetings until we can finally win a couple of games after them.  And no, I don’t appreciate the fact that some of you guys in the back are still in your pajamas.  If you want to end the meetings then play friggin better.  Get my drift?


I’d like to know first how we could look so horrible against this crappy San Diego team we’re playing.  What’s that?  Who said, “it’s because we’re at home”?  Get used to the fact that we play in this monstrosity 81 games a year and that’s not going to change.  What, you think the city and the Wilpons are going to build us a new stadium just cause we can’t win in this one?  Not happening, my friends.


Anyway, I have to write a lineup for today.  Who hasn’t batted leadoff for us yet?  Curtis- your hand is up.  Let’s see all you do these days is walk.  Sure let’s give it a go.  Can’t be worse than some of these guys I’ve tried.


And, in case you haven’t heard I think we’re getting Eric back tomorrow.  (murmuring heard on the tape)  Yeah, I know some of you guys and the press aren’t that wild about E-Y but I like him and I’m gonna get him in there ASAP.  And Chris – you can be practicing your new position.  It’s called the bench.  Maybe you can do your striking out as a pinch-hitter for a couple of weeks.


Wilmer – I’m going to start you at short today since Tejada is back to not hitting.  Let me remind you that you are here due to your stick.  If you can’t give us some offense we’ll be letting d’Arnaud reacquaint you with life in Las Vegas.


And catchers.  I forget who I used yesterday but whoever that was you’ll be sitting today and we’ll use the other guy.  Like it really matters.


And now pitchers.  Who haven’t I used as a closer yet?


NO, NO, you starters.  Put your stupid hands down.  I’m talking to our bullpen guys.


Have the translator ask Dice-K whether he wants to do that too?  (short pause).


What’s he saying?  Oh, “no new jobs.”   That’s a crappy attitude, but OK.


Before I let you go let me address something I know you’re all wondering about.  Sandy has called me every day for the past week to assure me that my job is NOT in jeopardy.  They have no plans to fire me – at least during this season.


You know how a guy feels when his boss tells him every single day that he’s in no danger of getting fired?  Right,  he feels like he is in danger of getting fired.


Now I know you guys are trying.  Or at least I’m hoping so.


Let’s show the fans, the press, and ownership that we really are a 90 win (starts to laugh) team.  Shit, I can’t even say that with a straight face.   Let’s show them all that we don’t really suck this bad.


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