TOUGH TIMES AT THE MET HOUSEHOLD
The losing skein that the Mets are in has led to depression among its fans, exasperation from the team's owners, and deflated resignation from its players. The bad times have even leaked over to the #1 household in Metdom, that of Mr. and Mrs. Met.
Just to review. Mr Met became the mascot of the team in the mid 1960s and a few years later was joined by a woman mascot character then called Lady Met. She disappeared for decades and reappeared in the 2013 season as Mrs. Met (somehow the team never noticed that women prefer the title Ms and have for the last 20+ years, but I digress).
Our little vignette here depicts a late afternoon in early October. Mr. and Mrs. Met live in a modest house in Astoria, Queens. She enters the living room.
Mrs. Met: Well isn't this a site? You on the sofa watching Daily News Live or Loud Mouths or some other inane SNY drivel with a drink in your hand. What is that, your third one today, fourth? I lose count.
Mr. Met: I can see you're already in one of your "moods." Just let me watch in peace.
Mrs: You know our government was shut down, Egypt and Syria are blowing themselves up, and all you want to know is what Chris Carlin thinks about things. It's unbelievable....
Mr.: Let's agree to disagree on that. By the way, has the mail come yet? Did our checks come for the last two weeks of work. God knows we need the bread.
Mrs: Yes they came but what I want to know is why I'm making barely more than half of what you are?
Mr.: Oh, no. Here we go again with your equal work-equal pay feminist screech.
Mrs: According to the ERA....
Mr: In this house missy ERA means Earned Run Average and nothing else. So drop it. We get what the team can afford to give us and you know their financial situation. We're lucky they're sticking with us and not just bringing back Homer The Dog.
Mrs: So what's the deal? You're just gonna lay that big head of yours on the couch and drink until April comes along?
Mr: I'm on vacation and that's what people do then.
Mrs: Oh no you're not!!! Vacation is the person who works 48 to 50 weeks a year and then for a couple of weeks gets to rest and hang out WHILE STILL GETTING PAID. That's not you dear. You're more like furloughed. We have no income right now and April is a long ways away.
Mr: I have a feeling I know what you're getting at.
Mrs: Tell me why you can't get some off-season work. You could entertain at some kids' birthday parties - maybe even do a Bar Mitzvah or something.
Mr.: You have a short memory. A couple of years ago I did some of those kids parties. I came home with so much peanut butter and jelly on my outfit that the cleaning bills ate up most of what I got paid to put up with the little brats. And as for doing Bar Mitzvahs I won't be able to do any of them until someone invents a yarmulke that will stay on my head. I'm probably banned right now from every shul in the five boroughs.
Mrs: I just don't understand why the team doesn't take care of you better. Did you see that the Phillies bought the Phanatic another brand new ATV to scoot around on? And that team sucks almost as much as ours does. Meanwhile anywhere we want to go on the field or in the stands we have to walk.
Mr: Ah lay off our employers. You don't realize that if we worked for Milwaukee or Washington we'd have to run our bright white rear ends off racing every day like those sausages and presidents do. And to think of those doubleheaders.....yikes.
Mrs.: Maybe you're right and I'm being a bit harsh on the Wilpons. It's just that you're just so talented and it seems like they don't appreciate what you've given them for over 40 years of service.
Mr.: OK, OK. Let's just let it go. What's for dinner, anyway?
Mrs: Ballpark franks.
Mr.: Again?????? I swear you make that every night except those times you give me nachos and cheese. Couldn't you just once in your life make us a meat loaf?
Larry writes a humor column for us at The Real Dirty Mets Blog once or more per week. You can follow Larry on Twitter at @dr4sight There he comments on the teams that drive him crazy: the Mets, both NY football teams, the NY Rangers, and the Knicks.